For Real

The other day, I was disciplining K and she was crying, "Mommy, mommy, mommy"...when in the background I hear S ask her "Do you mean your "real" mommy?"

I am so not ready for that. This real versus adopted mom thing is still a bit of an insecurity for me. S is old enough to have a lot of memories and I know I should be braced for the expectation that I will hear about her "real" mom everytime she doesn't get to do something she wants as a teenager. But that was the first time I heard her mention her birth mom. She's talked about her birth grandma and her foster mom - but never her birth mom.

The scary (if that is the right word) part about domestic adoption is that they are all pretty much open - which means that birth family can find you and DCFS encourages you to become big, happy mixed biological and adoptive families. There is an adoption registry where adoptive parents can enter information on behalf of their adopted kids and at age 15, an adopted child can request information with parental permission. At 18, no parental consent is needed.

I live with the realization that we will likely run into birth family on more than one occasion and at any random moment, their birth mom or other relatives could initiate contact or show up. I do have a fear that the birth family will re-enter the picture at some point, perhaps after our daughters have left home, and then I will have to share holidays or important occasions with this other half of my daughters' lives. I know genetic connection is strong and that the girls will be curious about what traits they have inherited from whom.

I spoke with my good friend Jane B. who has adopted three children and asked her if she shares that fear. She had the wisest answer. She said, "No. I just thank God for the privilege of raising these kids and the time I have had to spend with them."

I am definitely not there yet...

For now, all I can say is, while I did not physically give birth to these girls, I am very much their "real" mother...I'm the one who gets puked on when they are sick, makes sure they have clean clothes to wear, helps them with homework, sings "Twilight is Stealing" to them at bedtime, and makes sure they eat their peas and carrots. Doesn't get more "real" than that!