The Best Gifts

My seven cents on the best gifts I have received to pass on for those of you who have friends who adopt - especially older children from foster care:


1) UNDERSTANDING. Give an adoptive mom time to get used to instant parenthood without expecting them to be instantly gushy about the experience. You had nine months to anticipate the arrival of your baby. We may have had two weeks.


2) PLAYDATES. Invite our adopted child over to play with your children, understanding that our child needs positive adult and child role models in their life - and we may need a break!


3) USED ITEMS. We may have no idea of exactly what age child we are getting - and very much appreciate even the temporary lending of clothes, toys, and books. I have had two people (outside of my awesome sisters) be especially generous in this area and I was overwhelmed...so thanks, Heather S. and Tracy H.!


4) FOOD. Just because we are not recovering from child birth doesn't mean we wouldn't appreciate a meal. Your newborn sleeps fourteen hours a day. Our kids eat as much as an adult and came with boundless energy. Please don't take this as a shameless plug for me - just bless the next person who adopts an older child.


5) DISCRETION. Don't talk about their status in foster care or adoption status in front of our child. You'd be amazed how much they internalize and act out on, even if they don't fully understand the conversation. They may still be healing from the goodbyes of their last placement and not ready to hear about adoption.

6) PATIENCE & PERSPECTIVE. Be tolerant of our kids behavior not always being age appropriate or appropriate in general. They may have moved every year of their life, said hello and goodbye to multiple parental figures, been beaten, sworn at, neglected, and worse. Most have some kind of attention deficit disorder and trouble with impulse control. They haven't been told how special, how beautiful, how loved, and how important they are from birth like your kids.

7) A SOFT PLACE TO LAND. Don't ask us how we are doing unless you REALLY want to know...and the truth may not be pretty. And we may do the "ugly cry". Just because we really wanted to be parents and have anticipated this time longer than most doesn't mean that the adjustment is any easier. It will get better...just give us chocolate and a hug until it does.