Coming Soon! The Ugly Thrift Store Outfit Contest

Last year's Ugly Christmas Sweater Runway Show was one of my "most read" blogs of all time. 

This year, my crazy family has expanded the ugly and we are now preparing for our runway fashion showing displaying the best in thrift store clothing.  Bring on the polyester and fire up your cameras, blog followers!  There is about to be a showdown in one week!

Momzilla, Private Eye Researcher Extraordinaire!

It's official!  I have passed the grueling months-long boot camp, background checks, full body scans, Mensa exams, and dental record verifications to achieve my "Researcher" card from the National Archives. 

Ok, so really all I had to do was show up, have my camera's serial number recorded, go through a metal detector, take a 10 minute tutorial at a computer, and have my dastardly picture taken by a very bored archivist in the dungeons of the National Archives building in Washington, D.C.  No body cavity search required (unlike the TSA at the airport). 

All this in pursuit of answers regarding the origins of my father-in-law (heretofore called FIL so I don't have to type as much), whose adoptive parents were told he came over on a boat that landed in Ellis Island, New York sometime around early September 1945.  I originally visited Ellis Island but was told that all records past 1924 are kept on microfiche at the National Archives. 

Since we were going to be passing D.C. en route from NC to MD the week before Thanksgiving, I thought it would be the perfect time to put my sleuthing skills to work.  I fancy myself an amateur genealogist, having honed my skills looking for information regarding my Squirrel's birth families.  It's amazing what you can find online!  I have been able to get mug shots, police records, MySpace pictures, Facebook pictures, relative connections, and more all from digging around.  I even found out that there is a website of Social Security Numbers of deceased people!  SCARY!

But I digress...

I had very little to go on.  My FIL does not know where he came from, exactly how old he was (he was assigned a guesstimated birthday of August 1st), what his birth name was, or his adoption agency.  The only thing he has is a birth certificate that would have been reissued upon his adoption.  For those of you unfamiliar, when a child is adopted, their birth certificate is reissued as if the adoptive parents gave birth to that child.  So, in my kid's case, it looks like I gave birth to Elisabeth before I even married Husband (SCANDALOUS!)

Armed with my small pocket of knowledge, I entered the National Archives to search for infant boys landing in Ellis Island between September 1 and September 10, 1945.  I scanned my Researcher card into the registry and was escorted back to the real dregs of the Archives...the microfiche records room.  It's mind-boggling...and a bit disconcerting...to realize how much information our government has on all of us.  And how readily accessible most of it is! 

My guide led me to the microfiche drawer containing the dates I needed and then another guide helped me load up my microfiche machine in a darkened, eerie room.  There were only four other researchers in the room at the time, all hushed and bent over their terminals (probably trying to find Obama's REAL birth certificate!). 

I found amazing things on microfiche...boats of WWII soldiers returning home declaring their "war trophies" to Customs and Immigration (lots of German weaponry taken off dead soldiers, no doubt), a stowaway named Robert Hein from Bremahaven, Germany...19 years old, no family left, and he snuck aboard a cargo ship bound for the US. 

There were only three big passenger boats arriving during the dates in question - one entirely of individuals with last names of Wong, Chang, Hui...so I ruled that one out.  The most likely boat to search was the "Queen Mary" arriving from Southampton, England. 

But alas, no child younger than 18 months was listed in passenger manifests and even then, that was a girl named Tabitha whose surname matched her parents traveling with her. 

I came back home a bit discouraged that I didn't have more exciting news to share with my FIL.  I had tracked down the son of the caretaker of the orphanage we think he lived at for a period of time and I did find that, although the orphanage shut down years ago, a grotto still remains on a steep, wooded trail at the end of a dead end road in P Town.  And I found that the Archdiocese of Chicago may have records dating back to 1945 that may contain information he is looking for. 

My FIL took it all in a stride.  He says that he hasn't known for 60+ years where he came from and if he never finds out, then he will still sleep at night.  I left messages on Ancestry.com forums for anything related to the orphanage and we'll see if anything surfaces. 

Until then, I'll keep my magnifying glass, fingerprinting kit, and houndstooth trench coat out and ready to go at a moments notice!

The Battle of the Bucket Lists

I read through my owner's manual for the Big Blue Bus the other week and figured out how to remove all the seats in the minivan.  I alternated between suppressing my gag reflex at the amount of nasty goo and petrified candy found ground into the carpet and seat clamp thingies...and my marvel at how the van had become a time capsule of items lost from countless hours spent on the road (we can now play "Go Fish" with an almost complete deck of cards). 

One item I unearthed was an old "Bucket List" compiled by Eli.  Here goes:

1. go to disny world
2. fly in a arplane
3. be a soper star (I am guessing that's "super star")
4. go to disneyland (she's going bi-coastal, people!)
5. driveacar
6. be a prfesher (professor?)
7. see slena gomas in parson ("Selena Gomez in person"...kind of disturbing to see Selena Gomez "in parson")
8. be in a tv show
9. be in oterspase (outer space)
10. go to the beach
11. linn hot sire (or maybe "lirn hotsire?)
12. rid a Elfent (elephant)

Oh wait!  There's more: 

13. rid a dofen (dolphin)
14. go to evry stat in the usa

Hmmm...so much for her desire to cure cancer or find a solution to global conflict.  She is going for MUCH more shallow pursuits like meeting Disney stars and getting on TV.  She tells me that she can't decide if she wants to be a TV star, a pop star, or a gospel singer.  The choices, people!  I tell her all three will require that she be a role model and treat her sister well so she might as well start practicing now.  To which, she rolls her eyes and groans (I'm all about letting her keep her delusional bubbles while seizing the opportunity to exploit the moment towards good behavior!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's my bucket list:

1.  Teach my daughter how to spell and write legibly. 

I do believe Eli will be crossing all the items off her bucket list before I can do the same!



I'll Love You When I Am Dead

Relayed from my sister Mary in this morning's email:

"Bucky [Rebekah] saved her coins and bought a Barbie doll at Walmart last week. Yesterday, as I was sitting doing my Bible reading, I looked up to see that she had set up a wedding (in the absence of a male Barbie, she was using a wooden Indian chief that I had set out for Thanksgiving).



I asked her, "Who is that?" and she informed me it was Sarah and Brenton "Fartenburger."


I pretended to pay no attention, as she said the vows (she had to say both parts and it went like this...


"I'll love you when I am pregnant, I'll love you when I am pregnant. I'll love you when I am dead, I'll love you when I am dead. I'll love you when I am strong, I'll love you when I am strong."


Then she sat back and declared, "You two make a great couple!"


I agree; even if Brenton forgot to wear his Indian head dress to the wedding!!!"
 

The Curse of Money

Last Friday night, I had an opportunity to share about our calling to missions and the mighty work of the Isaiah 55 Deaf Ministries team in Reynosa, Mexico.  I am learning on this journey that so much of surrendering to the call of missions is realizing my secure feelings surrounding money...and my hesitance to give it up. 

Growing up in a household where money was scarce (read: small time farming dad and mom raising 7, count 'em, 7 daughters and one not-so-motivated-to-farm son) and so from little on, I developed a hatred for debt and a strong desire to make sure I would always be financial comfortable. 

15 years and a masters degree later, I had my wish.  Our two income household was comfortable.  Husband and I had just spent a small fortune building our dream house.  We had the requisite two children, two dogs, and one cat. 

Then why did I feel empty?  As I wondered around my new home, and as God, through the work of His Holy Spirit, began whispering to my soul, I realized I had taken on triple the mortgage and triple the work, all in pursuit of what?  Happiness?  The image of success?  To show off on Facebook and at class reunions that I had "arrived"?

God would bring a scene from a movie back to replay in my mind as if someone had set the DVD player to "repeat" and left the room.  (Yes, God speaks even through movies...imagine that)

Let me set the stage:

Oskar Schindler was a German industrialist who set up munitions and enamalware factories in Poland and the Czech Republic during World War II.  Self-serving and opportunistic by nature, he sought to profit from the war but was however, visibly uncomfortable by the treatment of Jews by Hitler's army.  He soon found that by wining, dining, and flattering high-ranking SS officers, he could purchase Jews to work in his factory, thereby saving them from the death camp.  His choice of whom to purchase was based more on the advice of his accountant Itzhak Stern (also a Jew) than by the Jewish person's actual ability to perform the given tasks.  Nearly shut down after the SS finds that he has employed a one-armed factory worker, claiming him to be "essential", Schindler, nonetheless, manages to keep 1,100 Jews from perishing in the Holocaust. 

Below is the scene at the end of the movie where the Nazis have been overcome and the hunters have now become the hunted.  The Jews from Schindler's factory have gathered to say their goodbyes as Schindler plans to flee (since Oskar was officially a member of the Nazi party although his actions clearly said he did not support their platform).  Oskar is presented with a ring from his accountant Stern that in Hebrew reads "He who saves a life saves the world entire"...and the magnitude of Schindler's past decisions hit him square in the chest.  He realizes that he could have saved so many more...that he had wasted so much money. 

He Who Saves One Life Saves the World Entire



Schindler's List
— MOVIECLIPS.com

(Facebook followers can click on this link...video clips don't stream over)
http://movieclips.com/mX2f-schindlers-list-movie-he-who-saves-one-life-saves-the-world-entire/

And so for the past six months, God has been enabling me to see money differently. He has proven that He can outgive me any day of the week.  He has helped me to realize that, had I invested in Isaiah 55 instead of building a house, I could have paid teacher salaries for YEARS to come...which would have resulted in hundreds of students learning to communicate and ultimately learning that God did not make a mistake when creating them and that they had an important voice in this world and that through His Son Jesus Christ, these students, and their families, can be adopted into the family of God forever.

I can't change the past.  But I'll be hanged before I waste any more time or money in the future. 

I Now Pronounce You Darren & Mark!

Last weekend was the first "next generation" wedding in my family as my nephew Brenton and his fiance Sarah were married. 

We have been eagerly awaiting this wedding as the reception included something sadly missing from all the previous weddings in my family...a DANCE!  Seriously, I could never become a full-fledged Baptist because I really love to dance. 

Not that I have any rhythm or talent. After all, my dance experience ranged from junior high dances (stiff-armed embraces while shifting from foot-to-foot, rotating slowly in a circle) to our lackluster show choir choreography (we couldn't really call ourselves "Gleeks" back then...when our choreography was pretty much box steps and jazz hands)

 But I do have next-to-no inhibitions about lookin' like a fool on the floor.  Whenever the music starts, my feet start moving on their own.  Maybe I was born a Pentecostal...who knows?

At any rate, Husband doesn't have the same level of freedom...which was why I was suitably impressed when he told me that if the DJ played a slow song, he would dance with me.  My sister Renee's husband also told her the same thing so Renee and I decided it was time to dedicate a song to the two shy husbands and get them out on the dance floor. 

Renee excitedly raced up to the DJ and asked him to play a slow song and send the dedication out to "Darren and Mark".  The DJ looked a bit puzzled and asked which song and Renee dismissively said, "I don't care.  Just pick one."

Clearly we didn't think this through...as we soon realized when the DJ put on a slow number, then called out "This song goes out to all your married couples...and Darren & Mark".  YIKES!  Looks like he was dedicating the song to a same sex couple named "Darren and Mark"! 

Ah well, the husbands didn't seem to notice and dutifully ambled out to the floor to twirl their spastic wives around.  Then retreated to their chairs to wonder what overcaffeinated drink we had consumed to be able to shake, rattle, and roll until 11 PM. 

Some pix from the night:

Look for me in the background...hollah!

My nephew Abe (Aber Baber) was the (as he called it) "Ring Barrier":

My niece Megan (Maggie Sue) - who looked FABULOUS - and nephew Bennett (Benny) - who thankfully shaved his Amish-looking beard!

The Squirrels and I awaiting the wedding party to exit the church:

My niece Rebekah (Bucky) who decided that she would bring her own tiara and veil (unbeknownst to her mother...my sister Mary):

We felt it necessarily to provide Beth with some protective head gear, given her history of having objects fall on her head (like a bathroom door, a frying pan, a meteorite/satellite...ok, that one just hit her moon roof while she was driving)...and of course, since the helmet was for Beth, it had to be bejeweled!

The Mother/Son Dance

Katybird having the time of her life...

 We are fond of Rachel's (Woo/Rudy/Duke) hair in the lower right of this photo...

 Hattie (Hats), Grace, Rachel, and Eli captured center stage...

 The Haerrs display some "Hairography" (or should I say "Haerr-ography"!)

 Grace and Abigail (Sass) are "Stayin' Alive"!

 The dance award for the night goes to my fantastic niece Lauren (Lorsban, Laursie Pie) in the purple dress.  I can find her in practically every one of my dance photos...guess the "no inhibition" gene runs in families!



Back in Mint Green Again

Last Friday night was the long-awaited premiere of "Courageous".  I went online and bought tickets ahead of time as I remembered the opening night of "Fireproof" was pretty much sold out. 

After the movie, Husband was taking the babysitter home when he felt his heart go out of rhythm.  He came home and extended his wrist to me to double-check.  Sure enough...his heart was in a-fib again.  I remembered all too well the last time he went into a-fib and figured this time, I wouldn't send him to prompt care by himself! 

Luckily, my sister Erin was out our house, having spent the day being honored as the 2011 Outstanding Alum from E College.  We whispered to her that we were going to tuck the kids in bed and then head over to the Big O hospital ER. 

30 minutes later, we pulled into the zoo, I mean, ER and had the privilege of encountering every belligerent drunk in P town.  Several were milling around the ER while the male nurse at the triage desk looked like he could use a stiff cup of coffee and 18 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  There was a lady in a wheel chair right inside the door who was hyperventilating and moaning while her friend fluttered around her asking questions.  The triage desk paid her nary one iota of attention.  She could be in there every Friday night, for all I know.  After all, the hospital is a not-for-profit so they do not turn anyone away. 

But I digress...

One quick pulse check later, Husband was being wheeled down to Room 211 for what looked to be a very long stay.  The last time he went into a-fib, they tried shocking him twice to no avail.  36 hours later, his heart corrected itself.  This time we were in the first 2 hours of a-fib so we hoped for different results. 

After donning yet another fashion-forward mint green hospital gown, getting laden with lots of sticky pads, lines, IVs, monitor beeps, and much consultation by three doctors, the best course of action was determined to be shocking again.  I was told that I would need to leave the room since it was unpleasant to watch and Husband was administered a heavy dose of what the doctors now call the "Michael Jackson" drug...a conscious sedation with amnesiac after-effects (I gotta get me some of that...for me or the Squirrels...either way, a clear winner!)

By this time, it was 1:30 in the morning and I had been playing several Solitaire games on my company iPad and trying to read to stay awake.  A quick prayer of "Lord, please heal him completely.  I'd sure like to go home tonight." later, the doctor poked his head out of the room and told me Husband had converted to normal rhythm after the first jolt.  HALLELUJAH!  Discharge took another 45 minutes and by 3:00 AM, we were both back home and in bed. 

Which was a good thing...because I was about ready to do a flying leap and land an elbow thump to his rib cage if his heart was going to be stubborn.  Evidently date nights with me are dangerous!

Painful Flattery for a Secret Keeper

My sister Renee issued an invitation for the me and the two Squirrels to attend a Secret Keeper slumber party to use up a package Renee had bought at a recent Secret Keeper event with her daughter "Amazing" Grace.  The Squirrels could barely contain their excitement since this particular slumber party involved staying overnight at a hotel with a pool AND would be attended by their red-headed cousins - Abigail, Rachel, and Rebekah (or, as our nickname-laden family calls them, "Sass", "Duke" and "Bucky"...yes, such flattering nicknames). 

We had adjoining rooms at a local Holiday Inn Express and the girls no sooner stepped inside the door then they began devouring mass quantities of sugar and caffeine.  Clothes and flip flops were flying through the air as they dug into their suitcases to unearth their swim suits, then down to the pool for some fun. 

Later on, Renee had activities plan to teach the girls how to keep confidences and treat others with kindness and respect.  The favorite activity involved the girls using fabric markers on white pillowcases to write kind words about each other.  Each girl had a pillowcase with their name on it, then the girls cycled around the different pillowcases and were to write something and draw a picture of something that reminded them of the particular girl whose name was on the pillowcase. 

All was going well until Eli came to Katybird's pillowcase.  My kids are the best of friends and worst of enemies.  Eli is the typical older sister that thinks her younger sister is boring and babyish.  Kate thinks her older sister is bossy and mean.  Eli was taking a while to think and then finally....PAINFULLY...wrote the following:

"Nice sometimes"

Meanwhile, Mary's daughter Abigail wrote this glowing review for her own sister:

Rachel, you are the best thing that ever happened. 

I don't know what I'd do without you.  You fill my day with love!!"

Perhaps my favorite, though, was what Rachel wrote on friend Audrey's pillowcase:

"Satan is mean, his followers are too but totally not you!"

Mmmm...what a warm and fuzzy endorsement to lay your head on at night, Duke!

"Taling" Care of the "Nose"

A couple of Saturdays ago, I spent a marathon day cleaning out the garage and the storage room, the last two bastions of chaos that I had been dreading.  We finally broke down and listed our house with a real estate agent (and chafe against the 6 1/2 % commission somewhat)...who so far has gotten less showings than I did but hey, our realtor knows Ted Nugent and was going to call him to see if he (or his hunting buddies) want a little house in a big woods with lots of deer you can shoot from your front porch before you even finish your morning coffee...

But I digress...

So anyway, I was so exhausted I fell into a chair just to unkink my back muscles.  Little Katybird tiptoes up to me and hands me this note:

For those of you who can't read Katybirdese...it says:

"Dear mom
I noe (know) you are having a hard time taling (taking) care of the nose (house).
from Kate to mom"

Awww...perhaps I will stop ranting about how I work my fingers to the bone and feel like the household maid around here.

"Still"water in Turmoil Upon Exit of K Sisterhood

In mid-August, the sleepy little town of Stillwater, MN was accosted out of a sound slumber by the arrival of 13 female members of the K sisterhood.  Leading the charge was matriarch Ellie followed by 7 daughters and 5 nieces. 

Aurora Staples Inn Bed & Breakfast owners reported that much noise and laughter shook the walls of their 100+ year old home while faint glimpses of heavily robed nieces could be seen stumbling to the breakfast table each morning. 

The downtown area business owners also reported that shopping maven Beth was seen single-handedly reviving the area economy.  "You know, we were heading for an economic bust, ja?  But then this crazy lady came in bought one of everything in every color!" stated Margoot Helglerood, owner of the Fun Sisters Boutique. 

The back of the trolley car was also weighted down by the presence of the Babbling Baker's Dozen (as the town had dubbed them) and their plethora of fudge purchases. 

But perhaps most disturbing were these images captured by hidden camera of the 13 women seen trying valiantly to capture the funniest picture of their lips doing the "bbbbbb" sound.  Or trying to capture a picture of their cheeks stretched to capacity doing a loose-jawed violent head shake. 

Nonetheless, the K Sisterhood left behind a wake of destruction as they exited the town on Sunday morning.  Residents and business owners alike unlocked their doors again and took long naps to recover.  The Governor of Minnesota has officially declared Stillwater a disaster area and FEMA is on its way to spearhead recovery efforts. 

Cannibalistic Goldfish & "Pichr Suls"

School started with a bang this year!  Eli and Katybird got to pick out their first day of school outfits by themselves with no direction from me.  Turns out that they must like hot pink glittery retina-burning '80s throwback clothing.  Ah well...

Eli came bursting through the door after school, delighted that she had been assigned to put up and take down the flag outside the school.  Evidently this is a big honor in the 4th grade (aside from weaving the maypole at the end of the year and scraping plates at lunch).  Eli was very worried that she couldn't fulfill her obligations.  "Mom, can we practice with my blanket?  I have to fold the flag in a triangle.  And it can't touch the ground.  And I can't reach the rope to untie it. And can you take me to school early because I want to make sure I have time to take care of the flag?"  Ooo...the pressure builds. 

And Katybird took the entrepreneurial route, painting watercolor blobs on paper the day before school started.  "I'm going to sell these, Mom.  I think I'll charge $50.".  I told her 25 cents was more like it.  "That's what I meant." she said.  She printed a sign and everything!

Benny D from her class was her one and only customer.  And either Katybird overcharged him or Benny can't count money any better than Kate can.  We told her that she should have only collected 25 cents from him and she started whimpering, "Well, I didn't know how much he gave me because I...can't...(sob, hiccup)...count MONEY!"  Given the choice of offering Benny a refund or more pictures, she felt certain he would choose more pictures.  Who wouldn't want more pictures of blobs on paper? 

And finally, Husband took the girls to ReggieFest this past weekend and came home with...goldfish.  We have no bowl, no food, and no ability to keep sensitive plants and animals alive.  I gave him a tired look and Big D muttered, "Well, that's what the prize was!"  Whoever decided goldfish make good prizes must have spent too much time in the beer tent. 

So alas, Husband turned my Tupperware bowl into a fish bowl and the Squirrels christened "Sunshine", "Goldie" and "Jane" (I'm deeply flattered.)  They thought that the goldfish would want to eat crackers with their namesake but it sounded a bit cannibalistic to me!  We didn't need a goldfish Donner party going on in the bowl.  Instead, we opted for instant mashed potato flakes and crushed up saltines. 

We found Goldie floating dead in the water when we returned from church the following day.  After carefully removing him (or her...who can tell with goldfish) from his/her brief home, Husband carried Goldie gently to the local porcelain throne room.  Eli had a touching eulogy and prayer.  Katybird flushed the toilet while shouting "So long, Sucker!" (I'm not making this up). 

And so life continues trying to keep Sunshine and Jane alive.  I'm working to convince Squirrels that they need to release the fish back into nature.  Truth be told, I have a hard enough time keeping everyone else healthy and alive around here. 

Computer Advice from Mom: Live Screaming

My mom and her computer are not always a compatible match but this latest email from her relaying technical advice given by a local radio station when she called in to find out how to listen to her grandson's football game online is...well...nothing short of hilarious:

If anyone is interested in listening to Bennett's game on-line tonight, here is what K101fm told me: Go to www.oursiouxland.com, click on Local radio (middle right of home page), then click on Luverne Cardinals, K101, Catch the Live Broadcast; then you click on you scream or live scream or something such.


Mom

I, for one, am all up for a live "screaming" broadcast about high school football!  However, I think she meant "streaming". 

Stuck in Between Two Worlds

We've been stuck in a bit of a holding pattern here while we wait for our house to sell so we can head down to Reynosa, Mexico.  This whole "waiting on the Lord to move" thing is a bit tough for the hyper-planner in me.  I mean, I plan something and then plan a 2nd and 3rd contingency...so not knowing when God will remove this obstacle?  KILLING ME! 

Here's the deal.  Our hearts?  Already down in Mexico.  Our thoughts and prayers - already sent those on ahead.  Just my body is left back in the Midwest.  When you know WHERE you are supposed to go and yet aren't there yet, it feels like you are stuck somewhere in the middle.  I can't plan anything more than about 30 days out.  Friends are already starting to disengage because that's how they prepare for the fact that you won't necessarily be around for much longer. 

I registered the girls for school which was tough since I hoped we could transition before the school year started.  Despite multiple showings on the house, plenty of random people driving up my lane to ogle, and some rather interesting phone calls (one lady called asking if we would consider a land contract since she was going to begin receiving oil royalties - from oil found on her land and drilled by another party - but that banks wouldn't lend money under a conventional mortgage until she could show two years' worth of royalties)...the house is still on the market. 

The last two homes we sold took two days and nine days, respectively.  So you can imagine that my patience for keeping a house in a show-ready state for three months now is wearing thin....

But in the meantime, we keep doing what we can do.  We are officially accepted by our sending agency http://www.goyefellowship.org/ under Account #87 (for those who care to support our endeavor).  We finally made the staff page on Isaiah 55's website .  Our prayer magnets are at the printers and our prayer cards are being designed by my AWESOME sister-in-law Dena.  Our sending church has been extremely generous in their pledge to our support while on the field.  We have approximately $1,000 left to raise in monthly pledges to meet our first year fundraising goal. 

My Spanish needs help but I am not sure I could finish a semester at college if I enrolled (I still plan on God doing BIG things to get us down there in His perfect timing).  So we record the vision (Habakkuk 2: 2-3) and then we wait...and wait...and wait...and try to lower my control FREAK FLAG to at least half mast.

PS You can hear the testimony of our calling by visiting iTunes and downloading the 7/3/11 "Ordinary People, Extraordinary God" podcast.  The first 20 minutes or so is the recap by those that went to Reynosa on the June mission trip.  Then Husband and I both share the events that led up to our decision to make a run for the border. 

Chocolate Stingrays Take on Water!

Three years ago when the Squirrels first descended upon the big house in the little woods, they had nary a single swim experience to their credit.  Beings that I knew the K Family Christmas (think Griswolds) would involve a three night stay at a Bear Lodge-looking motel complete with indoor-to-outdoor pool (swimming under some plastic flaps), I figured rather than be a nervous wreck the whole time, I would teach the Squirrels to swim. 

My mom, who earlier in her life had a near-drowning experience when someone threw her in the water and told her to "Sink or Swim" (and she pretty much sunk) had secretly been taking swim lessons (as a surprise to her kids whose sightings of Mom in a swimsuit were as rare as Yeti-sightings) at a local health club.  Mom sprung for a few weeks of passes so I could teach the girls to swim. 

Lesson #1 involved both girls not keeping their mouth shut in the water so they would come up coughing and belching.  Kate even threw up at one point and I didn't want the club to shut the pool down (darn health inspectors) so I quickly shoveled the pukey water over the edge into a nearby drain (what we don't do for our kids, right?  I have a super resistance to my gag reflex after being puked on so many times).  We persistently worked every week, all winter long, to reach a point where I felt that if the girls fell into water over their head, they could flail fast enough to reach the edge of the pool. 

Katybird's progress was tested a few months later on a family vacation when she tried to step on a floatation device in the deep end of our vacation home pool and she wound up bobbing in the deep end.  Aunt Dona quickly reached in and pulled her out.  After that point, I determined a Barbie lifejacket was in order the rest of the vacation. 

Cut to this summer where not only have the girls mostly learned to swim, they are even (drumroll please) on the local swim team, the Stingrays.  My kids are easy to spot.  They have scrawny brown bird legs and big puffy heads as they try to fit their 'fros under their latex swim caps.  

Kate spent the first few meets swimming about four strokes before clutching the ropes and breathing hard.  Eli, so adept at all other sports, just can't quite seem to coordinate her kicks with her arm strokes or to lengthen her arms during the freestyle.  They also get nervous at swim meets and beings I took them off their magic blue pills for the summer (in the hopes they would put on weight and sleep better), they have taken to burning off their pent-up energy by chewing on their goggles and swim caps.  Seriously.  Eli managed to wreck three pairs of goggles and two swim caps.  Kate has wrecked four pairs of goggles (including MY pair I lent her) and two swim caps.  I hear rumor that there are such things as bungee cords for swim goggles.  I need more like titanium swim goggles.  It might make the Squirrels sink but at least I could stop forking over all this money to keep them outfitted in swim gear all summer!

The last meet of the year is coming up soon.  Katybird has managed to be able to swim the length of the pool without drowning (we were pretty sure I was going to have to go in after her on her first 100 meter individual medley) or crying (which she did in abundance when her record-setting cousin Grace came in first for a rival team and poor Katybird came in last by several meters) and Eli can now do a flip turn during her freestyle AND swim mostly in a straight line on her backstroke. 

Now that's what I call PROGRESS!