WARNING: This post may cause controversy. It will probably lessen your opinion of me even more.
All foster parents have to sign an agreement that they will not use corporal punishment during the foster care period. "Corporal" is very broadly defined to include not only spanking, but slapping hands or mouths, washing a mouth out with soap, making a child eat hot sauce or vinegar, making a child run laps or do sit-ups/push-ups, making a child stand in the corner, making a child miss a meal, taking a child's belonging away without providing a way to earn it back, withholding an allowance (the state provides them one) without providing a way to earn it back, pinches, pokes, slaps, ear pullings, flicks, basically anything but the TIME-OUT.
Well, let me just tell you...this has been a real struggle for me because the time-outs do not always work as planned. Even though we are administering them the same (# of minutes equal to their age, put in their room, explained why they are put in time-out afterwards, apology demanded, hugs and kisses....very a la "Supernanny"), I have been hit, had a room trashed, had both scream themselves hoarse (good thing we live in the country), and literally had one foaming at the mouth this week. (Note to self: check on last rabies shot)
I know why DCFS puts in the "No Spanking Rule"...it's A) because a lot of kids in foster care have experienced physical abuse whether known at the time they come into care or discovered later on and B) some foster parents would take it too far. I add reason #3...there are times you feel such a rage that if God did not stay my hand, I fear for my own strength. I know in my heart of hearts, I would rather not have a situation come to a spanking but for some kids, it's the only thing (administered correctly) that snaps them out of their hissy fit.
I'm sure I'll get responses quoting the "spare the rod, spoil the child" and responses stating that "spanking is barbaric and only done by parents that have lost control". Regardless, the choice is not one I have right now...so we continue with time-outs. And more time-outs. And more time-outs. I trust in the value of consistency. I trust that the girls will learn to handle the word "no" eventually. I trust that they WANT the boundaries even if they don't know they want the boundaries.
I trust. And pray for wisdom beyond my experience and peace in the midst of one of the worst weeks to date.
2 comments:
Jane...If you need to go for coffee/hot chocolate, call me...Your #3 hit home to me pretty well with my youngest snicklefritz. Being vulnerable here, sometimes I have put him in timeout so I could put me in a timeout to gain control--I have gone in my room and just cried and said "God, Help! I don't know what to do to reach the heart of this little person you made!" I haven't had to spank him for at least a year now--the time out in your room thing really counts to him because he has "FOMS" (fear of missing something). Though in all honesty, it sounds like a host of demons has been released in his room a few times when he has been in his room, so I understand the foaming at the mouth thing. :)
You are in a situation I have not been in before with basically "cleaning up the mess of discipline" or lack thereof from another caregiver, so I can't speak to that specifically...consistency has been the key though for me, like you talked about.
Something I have done is to go in their rooms at night and pray over them while they are sleeping. They always look like angels then. I pray against the spirit of rebellion in their lives, that God would give them peace, listening ears, a humble, teachable heart, and wisdom for me to figure out how they were "fearfully and wonderfully made" and parent accordingly. I just started "Grace Based Parenting" (book) a little while ago and it has some good nuggets in there too.
You are not alone in this adventure--I want you to know that more than anything.
Love, Heather
Oh Jane. You are such a good mom. I read your words and feel the same struggles with deciding how to dicipline best. Being consistent and fair, yet firm and controlled. It must be frustrating not to even have the option to try a different form of discipline. The time will come when you will and I know you will know what's best for your girlsstill. I will pray for you this week as you continue on the front lines fighting the battle all us mothers face.....providing loving discipline to our children. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing. Love, Sarah
Post a Comment