The Pretzel Bandit and the In School Suspension

This week I bring you yet another (not so) proud parenting moment...
I received a call from Eli's elementary principal yesterday.  There was a mysterious case of the disappearing pretzels in the third grade classroom.  The pretzels were being stolen out of the classroom when no one was in there at the end of the school day.  Suspicions were cast on a third grade boy but after an interrogation by the principle, the third grade boy was declared innocent on all counts. 

The third and fourth grade teachers decided to set up a sting operation, turning off all lights in the classroom (as usual) for the last period of the day, and the third grade teacher sat in the dark in the classroom. 

And to whom did her wondering eyes appear?  But my daughter. 

Confronted by the principal, Eli confessed to her misdeeds but couldn't say why she (a fourth grader) was sneaking into the third grade classroom to take pretzels from the teacher's stash.  The principal informed me that the punishment would be in school suspension for one day and that she would have to miss her class Valentine party. 

Eli came slowly and woefully off the bus yesterday, her head hanging like a whipped puppy.  The first thing she said and she climbed in the blue bus was "Don't be mad at me, Mommy!"  I told her we would talk when her dad got home. 

By the time Husband arrived home, Eli had made "lemons out of lemonade" and decided that since she still got to keep her Valentine candy, it wasn't so bad to be suspended.  We asked her why she was taking the pretzels and she didn't have any reason.  I asked her if she was hungry to which she said, "Not really."  I asked her if it gave her a thrill to do something she knew was wrong and she gave me a confused look. 

So we don't have a reason as to why.  We know she exhibited some of this "hoarding" or "stealing" behavior at a former foster home because she told us she used to wait for her foster mom to fall asleep and then she would sneak out and get Pop-Tarts from the cabinet.  And on a couple of occasions, I found candy wrappers behind her bed so I knew she was sneaking candy in there despite being told not to without permission. 

Eli was dreading today.  We made her buy a replacement bag of pretzels to take to the third grade teacher and she had to apologize to her teacher and the third grade teacher.  Hopefully this lesson learned today will prevent her from future foolish decisions that have greater repercussions. 

I am fairly certain God gave me children to keep me humble. 

Brokeback India

The girls were supposed to be writing a note to our 14-year-old sponsor child in India. Kate asks, "Mom, how do you spell 'sorry'?" 

"What are you saying sorry for?" I reply. 

"I want to tell him I am sorry he doesn't have any money." says Kate. 

At which point I intervene and tell her it probably isn't the best idea to point out somebody's poverty.

Squirrel Theology

Every once in a while, the Squirrels come up with some interesting theology questions.  Here are two from this dreary Monday morning:
Kate:  Mom, are we going to ride behind a horse with Jesus?

Elisabeth:  Mom, if God forgives everyone, can he forgive Satan?

I am sure I mumbled something deeply theological in response. 

Hair Clip Tine in the Ear Canal (and Other Bedtime Stories)

By now, the story of Kate turning herself into a human piggy bank has been long enough past that we can laugh at it.  Well, that is until last night, when we realized she may have a fetish for putting weird objects in body orifices. 
Kate came downstairs to me at 10:00 last night, claiming that she thought she had something in her ear.  I asked her if she PUT anything in her ear to which she shook her head slowly.  I asked again, "Are you sure you didn't put anything in your ear?" 

"No, Mama!" she vehemently denied.  I also noticed she was chomping on gum.  Mind you, at this point, she was supposed to have been asleep for an hour.  I asked her where she got gum and she said, "From behind my pillow.  The fancy one I don't use [that would be her pillow sham]." 

After I scolded her chewing gum in bed, made her spit it out and re-brush her teeth, and had fished in the dark for the remaining pack of gum and confiscated it to an unreachable place, I told her I would briefly look in her ear. 

And that's when I saw something pink and plastic wedged where the ear canal narrows.  I called Husband down to hold the flashlight and retrieved my tweezers from my cosmetic bag.  Kate is wailing huge crocodile tears by this point thinking she is going to be pierced by my tweezers, which is a real possibility because I am not sure if I can get this plastic thing out. 

But alas, I was able to get a good enough grip on the piece to remove it from Kate's ear canal.  Turns out it was the tine to a pink sparkly hair clip she wore in her hair last week.  After further interrogation, turns out she DID remember putting it in her ear (intimidating glares from the Momzilla eventually crack even the most hardened criminals) but when asked why, she was blubbering, "I don't KNOW!" 

Which is probably true.  To assume the train of logic makes at the stops in her brain would be false.  For now, we gave her strict instructions not to put ANYTHING into ANY hole in her body including her nose, mouth, or ears.  I didn't mention her hoo-hah because I didn't want the idea to even enter her brain or next time....well, we won't even discuss that. 

You know those weird product warning labels that don't seem to make any sense (like don't use your hair dryer in the shower) and you wonder who would even think to use the product in such a way?  Now you know.  They were written for my Squirrels. 

The Human Piggy Bank and other Untold Stories of the E.R.

During our recent family Christmas in Iowa, Katybird came up to me one evening and complained that her "chest hurt".  I had my mom take her pulse and also called over cardiac cath lab superstar brother-out-law Nelson to review her symptoms to see if this was a cause for worry.  I figured Katybird had been free-feeding on loads of sugary junk all day and this was probably heartburn caused by poor diet, lack of sleep, and two hours of intense swimming in the hotel pool. 
Nelson said to keep an eye on her, have her lay down and rest for a while, and see if symptoms persisted.  Mom dosed her up with Maalox and we tucked her in to watch the Disney channel. 

About 11 PM, Katybird said she wanted to see a doctor but again, I told her that we would wait and see in the morning.  Kate's in this stage where any minor cut or scratch makes her weep and wail and demand bandaids and ointment.  I was not about to hit the ER, incur the cost of an out-of-state, non-insured visit, just to have the ER doc roll his eyes and tell me she had heartburn. 

We had a long night.  Kate would wake up every 30-45 minutes and whimper.  I'd reposition her and it helped if I put my hand over her heart.  She didn't want to eat anything but drank a few sips of water around 3 AM. 

At 9:00 AM, I had a morning conference call I could not miss so I sent Kate to a local prompt care with Husband. 

An hour later, I got the call that it appeared Kate had swallowed a lithium battery.  I wracked my brain for where she could have gotten a lithium battery and told Darren I was 99% sure it was probably a coin from her sparkly pink wallet and not a lithium battery.  He said the x-ray made the swallowed object appear beveled and that it definitely looked like a battery and would need to come out ASAP. 

I had my sisters texting and online trying to find out what the protocol is for swallowed batteries.  Turns out that there are 3500 cases a year of swallowed "button" batteries and that the lithium ones are particularly concerning because a chemical emits from the battery that can eat through surrounding tissues after two hours. 

YIKES!  I was so not getting my Mother-of-the-Year crown and sash this time around.  Husband called to our home state to check with the state insurance (the girls are covered by the state medical plan until they reach the age of 18 - part of the adoption contract the state provides to all kids adopted out of foster care) and the state said they would authorize payment (not sure how much but I guess that fun is in front of us). 

I loaded Kate's ladybug pillow pet into my purse, and my sister Erin drove me and my sister Renee (my consulting RN for the day's drama) to meet Husband at prompt care so we could head over to the emergency room. 

 An ER consult later, Katybird donned a hospital gown that could have wrapped around her three times and was tucked into a big bed on wheels.  She was given an Etch-a-Sketch by the nurse and got to pick her flavor of gas mask. 

Soon, she was wheeled back into surgery...which took all of two minutes...and zounds and tally ho...the doctor discovered this in her esophagus, right above the entrance to her stomach...
Two coins, a dime and nickel, sitting perfectly on top of each other...which would look like a lithium battery on an x-ray. 

The doctor used a forceps to remove the money and Kate was right as rain after an hour in recovery.  See evidence in pink below...

So ends the saga of Kate turning herself into a human piggy bank.  For those doing the bookkeeping, here is how the accounting reads:

1)  Deposit = $0.15
2) Withdrawal = $0.15 + several $$$$ more in hospital bills
3)  Remaining coin collection = CONFISCATED BY THE MOMZILLA

A Plethora of Polyester & Appalling Prints

The results are in for this year's "Ugly Thrift Store Outfit" contest.  My apologies to anyone who has duplicates of any of these items in their closet.  I will submit your name to TLC's "What Not to Wear". 
The Runway Video:


Grand Prize goes to the Dynamic Duo of Matriarch and Patriarch K:

First Runner Up goes to nephew Brenton who managed to find an '80s girls workout outfit that exposed an alarming amount of hairy leg. 

Second Runner up has to be brother-out-law Nelson in a frighteningly tight pair of polyester flood pants. 

Third Runner up is Susan in a saccharine floral ensemble that would make any Southern Junior Leaguer proud:

And some of the rest surely deserve honorable mention:

 I even managed to find my old Billy Bob teeth to complete the ensemble!  This picture does not do justice to the XXL burnt orange/mustard/olive/brown sweater knit attached vest monstrosity I found with TAGS STILL ATTACHED at the local thrift store. 

The whole crew:

Look for next year's contest:  Ugly Formal Wear

Coming to a hotel near you!

Coming Soon! The Ugly Thrift Store Outfit Contest

Last year's Ugly Christmas Sweater Runway Show was one of my "most read" blogs of all time. 

This year, my crazy family has expanded the ugly and we are now preparing for our runway fashion showing displaying the best in thrift store clothing.  Bring on the polyester and fire up your cameras, blog followers!  There is about to be a showdown in one week!