Meatloaf and the Puking Flies

Sorry for my absence from posting. My previous computer has an dead hard drive that passed away on 3-11-2010 from the Blue Screen of Death syndrome. Not to get technical but evidently I had massive data corruption and my whole hard drive was thrown into a read only mode. I was semi-vigilant about backing up my picture/video/music/work files but there are still large quantities of data that were not backed up. Suffice to say, I will be the Backup Queen of the Universe (sounds septic, eh?) when I get my computer back. A shout out to my pal Tom H. for performing CPR on my computer.

Anyhoo, just a couple of random happenings to share...both which provide evidence that my kids are weird.

The first is a paper that Eli brought home. The school has been going overboard on Black History month and they must have reviewed the story of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Eli had to write what she would have done. You'd think she's be all "Hey, I'm black, too and power to the people...we gotta stick together" but no, this is what she writes:

"If I was Rosa Parks I would give up my sit. I don't want to be eressted. I would ask someone eles if I could sit with them. I would want to cook the meatloaf for my husband. I would want to make them happy."

So much for the revolution for equal rights. She wants to cook meatloaf. Where did that random thought surface? Ah, there I go again...assuming my squirrels process thoughts in a logical manner.

When instead, we get random utterings like this one...Kate very matter-of-factly announced at dinner the other night that "Flies can puke". Husband looks over at me with a very weary look and says, "Man, it starts early."

"To what do you refer," I respond.

"The random thoughts that women have that have nothing to do with anything we were just talking about."

And as usual, Husband is right.

Feet First and Back Pedaling

This week, the local area swim clinic commenced and giddy with excitement, so did Eli. I marvel at the long distance we have come in her swimming ability, considering when she first came to our house, she was TERRIFIED of the water. She told me she had not been swimming before and would not even put her face in the water in the bathtub. Pictures of our first attempt at swimming lessons below:

I knew not only did we have a family vacation coming up to the beach which would mean daily access to a private pool, but I also consider swimming an absolutely necessary life skill. In fact, if I had not gone through swimming lessons, including what was called "Junior Lifesaving" at the time, (and then on to Water Safety Instructor training), I may not be here today.

In 1993, I was on a band trip to Colorado Springs with my high school. One of the activities was white water rafting (man, those chaperones must have either been gluttons for punishment or incredibly brave to try to wrangle 100+ wiggly, hormonal, brainless teenagers at one time). If you remember, 1993 was the year of the floods and the Arkansas River in Colorado was no exception.

I was in a raft with my good friends Shauna, Jennifer, Amy, Gina, and Becky. Our river guide was from Iowa (should have been our first clue he wasn't used to white water) and had been on the river only two or three months (should have been our second warning). Plus, as we navigated our raft down the river, two of us had to bail water constantly as it was taking on more water than we could have and still make it around several rocky bends in the river.

Well, long story short, we became too water logged, our guide couldn't wrestle back control of the boat, and we smashed into a rock, capsizing the boat. A couple of girls were caught underneath, one swam for shore for all she was worth, and lucky me got swept down the river at warped speed. I was sucked under from time to time but luckily had the presence of mind to remember my training (which was all theory and no practical application until now) which was to keep my feet forward to hit the rocks first, knees bent to absorb the shock, and recline back in the water and backpedal with my arms to slow myself down.

The rafting company had an assistant posted along the bank of the river and he tried to toss me the tow rope. I missed and got sucked under the water. The river guide that had been in our boat came swirling up behind me and latched onto my life vest. He caught the next toss of the tow rope and I was pulled into the river bank. I scrambled up on a rock, dripping wet, and heart pounding with adrenaline.

It was one of those moments when I realized I was not ten feet tall and bullet proof...but could very well have spun out of control in the water, dashed my head against a rock, and would have been nearly impossible to retrieve.

And so now, several years later, I am passing on the knowledge to my squirrels. And, after several months of giving Eli lessons in Grandma Ellie's fitness center pool, I am pleased to report little ole Eli can swim like fish. A blue swim capped large mouth snaggle-toothed bass, that is;-)

Spit Bombs and the Fear of Peas

I don't know what kind of chuckleheads I am raising but the latest head scratcher was Eli's "Bio Poem" that she completed at school. In case it is hard to read, let me decipher:

She describes herself as cute, nice, smart, and creative (and if by creative, she means creative ways to try to make up stories to get out of trouble or to tell half truths, she is right on the money)

Says she is a lover of cats, dogs, candy and her parents (all together now... "Awwwww....!")

Who feels happy when she eats pizza, good when she gets what she wants, and cool when she has her sunglasses (which the dogs chewed to bits when she left the van door open).

Now here comes the weirdness...she says, she fears (and I quote): "peas, tests and twisters".

PEAS? Seriously? Is there even a clinical definition of the fear of peas? Peasophobia?

And then, I have had several incidents of the squirrels spitting at each other, spitting into each other's food, spitting on each other's floors. I had HAD it! Who spits? What do they think they are...Major League baseball players? I mean, if it were boys, it wouldn't make me shake my head. Boys also make farting noises with their arm pits and walk around scratching themselves...and neither of those two behaviors stop in adulthood. But girls spitting? I had seen enough of that at the first college I attended in the Dakotas (where the women also have to shave...and not just their legs, ifyaknowwhatimean).

I had them wailing and accusing each other of spitting yesterday and up to this point, no punishment seemed to fit the crime until a LIGHTBULB went on in my head. I marched them downstairs, had them get into coats and boots, and stood them on the bottom step of the porch steps. Then, I set the timer and told them if they got caught spitting at ANYTHING, they would have to repeat today's punishment...which was to spit continuously until the timer rang.

I'll admit, it was hard to keep a straight face to see two little brown squirrels, out front, hocking loogies for all they were worth. They ran out of saliva about halfway through and were pretty much just barely spraying at that point. Five minutes later, they had to face each other and vow never to spit at each other or into each other's food or on the floor again.

You all thought I lived in the country for the breathing room, fresh air, and wildlife...but really it is so no one can see what kind of weird parent I am and wonder who makes their kids spit until a timer rings. I can only imagine the stories they tell at school.

UPromise and the Sex Pistols

As we anticipate a rather large adoption tax credit this year, my thoughts have turned to some long term investing...namely partially funding college for two squirrels. I don't plan to pay the whole thing as that would be a disincentive for the Squirrels to get jobs and try their best. Plus I'm hoping the whole sob story of being black and formerly in foster care means lots of scholarships will come their way. At least more than came my way for being the 4.0 GPA valedictorian , FFA President, Drama Club President, Senior Class VP, overachieving white Iowa farm girl.

I had heard about a website called UPromise (http://www.upromise.com) where you can funnel your online shopping and grocery/pharmacy store points through the website and you earn money towards college. I signed up and registered every card I could but so far, not much has happened. I even downloaded the "Turbosaver" program that is supposed to alert me if I come to a website that I can earn points through. For all I know, it could just be tracking my web presence and downloading my financial information to Nigerians who are getting ready to steal my identity.

And what an identity it would be! After all, let's review my perilous journey through higher learning...

My first university attended was in the Land of Frozen Tundra, an hour north of home (which I thought was close enough to come home and do laundry occasionally but far enough away that my parents would not just "drop by" for a visit). Little did I know that I had stumbled into what should have been called Hillbilly University. Instead of exercise rooms or computer labs in the dorms, what did we have? Wild game cleaning rooms. You could shoot a buffalo or deer off campus and bring it to the dorm to butcher, package, and store in the many deep freezes. If you were smart, you labeled your packages "Calf Brains" or "Deer Hooves" so that no one would steal your neatly wrapped carcasses. I also had a calculus teacher that was vastly fond of wearing homemade stonewash items (the kind you make with a dryer, tennis shoe, a regular pair of jeans, and a bleach-soaked washcloth) and Cosby show sweaters.

When I attended a football game and saw as many women chewing tobacco as men, I decided this was not the place for me (not to mention the howling wind and snow that had nothing to stop it for an hour on any side of campus).

So I dropped out of that university and headed east. Well, truth be told, I thought I was following after a guy I was "promised" to at the time...(what is the point of getting promised??? But that's another blog post) but two days after my arrival and subsequent move in to my sister's basement, he decided he wouldn't keep his promise. I think mostly my pride was hurt instead of my heart because I can look back now and thank God for unanswered prayers.

Nevertheless, I enrolled at a local community college to embark on a vastly different major. This community college was home to the Rod Stewart impersonator. He would arrive at school every day with his bleached out shag cut and denim cut off shorts. Other than that, I don't remember much.

Then to transfer over to State University for my last two years. It was there that I had some of my strangest professors. I mean, the subculture breed that gets weirder as the years go by because they completely lose touch with the outside world. I had Ms. Feminazi - a flat-chested, hair scraped back man hater who bullied me through "Masterpieces of World Literature". She hated my theology but loved my writing so I became a complete consternation for her. Then, perhaps weirdest of all, was my Modern Philosophy teacher.

If ever there was a subject that I just did not "get", philosophy is IT. Who wants to sit around debating whether we are only really awake when we are asleep and vice versa? I am horrendous at pointless arguments and to this day have no idea what the word "empirical" means. But not that the teacher actually taught much philosophy. He rather shoved his scrawny hands into the pockets of his rumpled magenta dinner jacket and paced back and forth in front of class. His long curly hair bobbed up and down in front of his squinted eyes as he pontificated on the wonders of his favorite band - the Sex Pistols.

The one good thing that came out of the class is that during that time and generated by some of the class discussions, I became determined that in my own conversion to Christianity, I was not going to believe what I was told but what was found in Scripture. My faith and beliefs were taken back down to the bare minimum and I began to question everything...and then, by the grace and understanding through the Word, build it back to where I stand today and know that I know that I know what I believe in and stand for.

And the Sex Pistols certainly aren't counted among that.

Guilty by Reason of Insanity

In response to the charges that I am the meanest mom ever filed in the case of Mean Mom v. Squirrels, I submit the following testimony:

I believe neurons have ceased to fire in the brains of Squirrel #1 and Squirrel #2. I submit the following examples:

Exhibit A:

I went to go discipline Eli and thought her face looked exceptionally dirty. When I saw Kate and she looked the same, I asked her what she had on her face. "Elisabeth rubbed ashes from the fireplace on my face and her face." When I asked Eli why she did that, she responded, "I don't know!"

Exhibit B:

I went to use the pencil sharpener and found that one of the squirrels had tried to sharpen one of those plastic pencil that have several pencil tips in them...you know, the ones where you can take the pencil nub out and shove it in the back of the pencil, forcing a new nub forward. When I asked them why they tried to sharpen a plastic pencil, they responded, "I don't know!"

Exhibit C:

I heard wailing coming from the breakfast bar as the two squirrels were supposed to be eating cereal. Kate wailed that Eli spit in her breakfast cereal. When pressed for a response as to why she did that, Eli responded, "I don't know!"

Exhibit D:

Eli came home with a giant red blob colored on her off-white corduroy pants. Seems she had decided she was going to do a redneck dye job on the pants using a crayon. When asked what possessed her to try to color her pants a different color, she responded, (you guessed it) "I don't know!'

Exhibit E:

I went to give Eli a goodnight kiss and found her face was all gummy/waxy feeling. Turns out that instead of just using her lip balm on her lips, as the good Lord intended, she had smeared it all over her face. When I asked her why she did that, she responded (are you seeing a pattern here?), "I don't know!"

Exhibit F:

Kate came home with several holes in the color of her shirt where little rhinestone bedazzles used to be. When asked what happened, she responded that she told her friend Madison she could have the sparkles off her shirt. When I asked her why, she said, "I don't know!"

So several lost mittens, scarves, socks, Barbie shoes, silly putty globs, and etc. later, I feel the need to enter my plea of GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY to the charges of "Mean Mom". As to whether or not I will ever reform or respond to rehabilitation efforts, I respond, "I don't know!"

Community Pledges and Noses That Stick Out

Eli came home with a "Community Pledge" she had written and signed in her class:

I pledge to help my community by doing this:

"I will never ever liter.
I will always recyle.
I will help people work.
When somthing is on fire I stop, Drop, and roll."

So if you see a convulsing 7-year-old on the ground in front of a burning building, that would be my Squirrel #1. She's just fulfilling her community pledge.
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In other hilarious 2nd grade news, my niece Grace thoughtfully eyed my sister Renee at breakfast one morning this week and said:

"I can see why dad wanted to marry you. You have nice brown eyes, shiny hair, and a nose that sticks out. You are pretty!"

I should mention that Grace is Chinese American (hence, we think, the reference to the nose that "sticks out") but whatever wheels were turning in her head, she gave Renee the best Valentine compliment ever!

Addicted to the "Creamy Crack"

This week, I gave up on my intent to let the girls' hair grow out all natural and nappy to the max (but healthier and safer for sure) and decided to tame the woolly mammoth. Lest you think I jest about the true nature of their hair, let me show you some pictures of them after I take out their hair for the week and get ready to wash and re-set.

I found a new kid's hair relaxer called "Pretty and Silky" at my local black hair beauty supply store - which can be found among the Giant Wall of Beads, the Glittery, Rhinestone belt and shoe collection, aisles and aisles of fake hair in every color, and jars of pomades and creams like beeswax, hair cholesterol, and hair honey (of which I own all three).

Hair relaxer is a potent chemical that takes nappy hair from "can't get through it with a bulldozer" to soft and manageable...but it takes me an hour of processing time and lots of "scalp bonding" (code word for smearing petroleum jelly around the perimeter of the hairline and on the ears and on the hair parts to protect them from burning) to get through. Once the scalp is bonded, I have twenty minutes to part and smear on relaxer, while trying not to get the "creamy crack" as it's called (because of the black woman's addiction to it) on the scalp skin itself. Then you comb, comb, comb it through, wash it out, add in a sheen product for 10 minutes, wash that out, shampoo twice with a shampoo that changes color to let you know whether or not you got all the chemical out, then on to conditioner.

After that, we blow dry and straighten by small rows at a time. The result? Beautiful! My nostrils? Burned by chemical smells! My back? Permanently bent from delicate work! My hands? Arthritic! Time saved by doing it myself versus going to the local hair school? Three hours per kid. Money saved? $30 per child.

All in the pursuit of "Good Hair" (see movie trailer from Chris Rock's documentary, lest you think I exaggerate).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m-4qxz08So