The Finishing Touch

Overheard in the back of the Blue Bus while taking Squirrels to school this morning:

Kate (in a sing-songy voice):  "Nobody will play with me.  Nobody will play with me outside for recess."

Elisabeth (voice dripping with disdain):  "Is that the song you are going to sing when you try out for 'American Idol'?"

Kate (arms crossed, emphatic):  "Yes.  But when I am older, I am going to put some touches on it." 

It may be pitchy, Dawg, but I'll give it a 10.  It has a good beat and you can dance to it.

Inmates Threaten to Take Over Asylum

I'm done apologizing for my lack of postage on the blog.  I once had a dream that I would be "discovered" by the Huffington Post as the newest MUST READ thirtysomething blogger but have since decided I may have been delusional.  I am blaming it on my allergy medication. All the world is right when you are in a fog.  Even my bone-crunching chiropractic back adjustments no longer make me shout aloud and have visions of my head popping off my neck and rolling down the street. 

But I digress...

The truth is, we have spent the last few weeks in the trenches with the kids.  I have made no secret of my frustration to parent ADHD children but things took a turn for the worse when I, having all the best intentions, set up in-home counseling for Eli.  As a part of the therapy process, we began attending adoption support group to meet with other parents about adoption issues. 

Believe me, my eyes were opened.  You've all heard of the extreme cases of foster kids who just seem to have their wires crossed.  Well, these parents have lived (and are living) through it.  I give them props for seeking the resources to help their children but some of the symptoms they mentioned (wildly vacillating mood swings, defiance, outburst of anger at parental figures - namely Mom) were eerily familiar.  I began to wonder what was going to manifest in the future for Eli. 

Well, this is probably the reason why no one should take abnormal psych classes without their own personal psychologist.  Self-diagnosis can be a dangerous thing.  Turns out that after a few weeks of counseling - that brought up a whole host of memories and feelings for Eli - we have FINALLY turned a corner. 

Add to that I finally found a parenting book that is realistic and fairly easy to follow - Dr Kevin Leman's "Have a New Kid by Friday".  I learned that the problem was not Eli at all.  It was ME! (most of you are not surprised at all by this revelation).  I was so worried that Eli's  and Kate's lack of discipline and structure in their formative years by previous family members would adversely affect them without me stepping in as Drill Sergeant Mom.  I am the "authoritarian" parent Dr. Leman describes and it was not fun to hear myself described. 

So I am committed to not overreacting to Eli needling me endlessly about the "Never Evers" ("You NEVER let me do this", "You mean I will NEVER EVER get to have a friend over again?") and to suppress the urge to try to sway her thinking.  I am committed to saying something once, turning my back, and walking away so as not to let the "hedonistic ankle biters" (hey, that's what the good Dr. calls them) manipulate me into a corner where the inmates threaten to take over the asylum and in the fear for my sanity, I give in just to get them to QUIT WHINING! 

I've tried other parenting books before, like Lisa Whelchel's "Creative Correction" and the foster care highly-touted "1-2-3 Magic" (nothing is magical when you have a daughter who continues to follow you needling or one who throws herself to the ground and sobs uncontrollable because she cannot have pop for breakfast or when both of them continue to shout from time out about how much they hate me and how life is unfair and they wish they could live somewhere else because their parents are mean). 

We've had relative peace here on the Cougarville front so let's hope and pray I can stay focused and calm.  Until the teenage years hit, at least.  Then Clairol home hair dye and I are going to develop an intimate relationship so I can cover the signs of my stress.  And there will be teeth puncture marks in my pillow. 

Shopping for Sacrificial Human Hair

Last Saturday was a new experience for me as I found myself at the Black Hair Supply Store standing among rows and rows of pre-packaged HUMAN hair. 

Yep, apparently women in India, in an act of worship and thanksgiving to their Hindu god, take a pilgrimage to the temple and get their head shaved.  They sacrifice the hair, which in turn is stacked high (makes me shudder and think of Nazi Germany) before being trundled off to the hair factory.  There, factory workers sort the hair by length and color and comb it through wool-carding looking tools, then sew the ends together, package it in plastic, and ship it to the US. 

(Facebook followers will need to click on "View Original Post" if viewing this in my notes...otherwise, you will miss the creepy video)



Where black women spend MUCHO DINERO having it sewn into their cornrows to create a weave. 

I am going the less expensive route and buying the hair to be attached to clips (with hot glue) that can be clipped into relaxed and straightened hair.  The human hair will add depth and length to Eli's locks and can be shampooed along with the rest of her hair.  I have used synthetic hair up until this point to weave into braids for them to have "extensions" but fake hair is overly shiny and doesn't hold up to washing. 

So why am I willing to buy idol-sacrificed human hair?  Ah....it's all about the end result!

Huked on Foniks Werkd for Me

The Squirrels have decided that they really need email accounts (and cell phones and jeans with rips in them, they have recently informed me).  I am not quite ready for that but I do let them email their friends from my account.  I bring up a new email message and let them type to their heart's content.  It's quite hilarious! 

Here is a sample of the fun:

Mya


I hop you can come over to my hose


love kate

olivia,



I want to say that’s an awesome email! I live and miss u with all my heart!


love

elisabeth
 
Dear Mikayla


Can you asks your mom if you can stay over at my house to if your mom says no it,s okay I don,t care mikayla becuase I have my big sister I like my sisteer elisadeth

kate
 
(I typed this for Eli)

Dear Grace -

Why haven't you emailed me? Did you get my four page letter in the mail? I know it is very long but it is really good. 


Love,


Elisabeth

(Grace's reply)
I'm so sorry that I been emaing.We put our cristmas tree up to!No afence but I couldn't read some your writing on your note you sent me!
 LOVE:GRACE


daer elisabeth did you now that you still o me three dolers and fiftey sens thats becase when we went to the osarks i bot you that            pirit sord so i thingk when i come to your hows you shod give me three dolers fifty sens i can wate to come to your hows            did you now  that me and abigail have a speshel tothbrush to remember at the osarks when we went to the                      hi dive that was fun!  it was so fun that its abowt the only thing i can remember! so hows it doing at your hows?  I am fine to    i ment to poot a qeshtinmark when i rote so how it doing at your hows love rachel

I don’t have to pay you since I gave the pirate sword back. The high dive was fun. I am doing fine. what are you doing?

elisabeth

i forgot abowt that and im doing fine i had a fun day today espeshaly the bietil swim i hope you get a amareakin girl doll that gives me a ida maybe i can have your bity baby twins for a wile and you can have my amareakin girl doll for a wile! rite now penny and rebeca are playing tag love rachel

Coon-a-Palooza (AKA The Hounds Strike Again!)

In the midnight hour of March 7th, local Cougarville residents Momzilla and Husband were roused out of a sound sleep by the ferocious, incessant barking of their chew and slobber hounds Atticus and Sasha (AKA Lumpy and Spazzoid).  Upon further investigation, with Momzilla wielding her weapon of choice (a broom) and Husband decked out in his HazMat gear (AKA his boxers), it was discovered that the two hounds had cornered a raccoon. 

Not just any coon but the mother of all coons and roughly the size of a goat.  Repeated attempts to shush the dogs were met with...well, nothing.  The hounds kept on barking and managed to chase the coon underneath the porch.  Much squealing, thumping, teeth chomping, and flailing later, silence ensued. 

The next morning, the victim was discovered prostrate on the front lawn carefully guarded by Spazzoid.  Cause of death appears to be multiple puncture wounds to the throat.  Blood spatter indicates it was a vicious death. 

FBI profilers are noting that the suspects seem to be escalating in their killing spree.  "There seems to be no common denominator in these victims.  We've seen everything from cats to groundhogs to mice and birds and now finally, raccoons - their 2nd coon in three days.  The suspects seem to be killing at random and taking on larger and larger prey." 

Neighbors were interviewed for comment.  "This was a nice neighborhood until the Cougarville Hillbillies moved in." said Robert D, an undercover cop for the state. "Now, between the ghetto-looking lawnmower, the beat up Chevy truck out front, and the random dead wildlife in the front yard, the market value of homes in this neighborhood are seriously dropping!"

Momzilla and Husband, who own the property in question, replied, "We got the dogs from Missouri.  If there is any question how "hillbilly" they are, that should clear up any doubt."  Original dame owners Shannon and Susan H weighed in on the pedigree of Lumpy and Spazzoid, "Hey, coon is good eating down here in Missouri (pronounced "Misery").  We raise 'em up right down here, y'all!  Pass the biscuits and coon gravy."

Stay tuned for further developments...

Shanghai'd & Scooby Snacks

Another two weeks fly by and I realize I have not even looked at my blog, much less posted anything.  To be honest, I have been in survival mode since Husband was "Shanghai'd" for a week...literally.  His company sent him to Shanghai, China to do whatever it is he does for a living.  After eight and a half years of marriage, I am still not entirely sure.  When I tell him this, he laughs and tries to explain again.  My eyes glaze over when he starts mentioning words like "hydraulic" and "Six Sigma".  I guess I won't pursue an answer too adamantly and just enjoy the regular paychecks. 

While he was gone, I had a hectic week as a single parent.  Eli took that week to have the mother of all meltdowns, at 10:30 at night no less, when I was so tired I couldn't see straight.  My basement Boy Wonder Wyatt was skiing somewhere and couldn't run interference for me.  So I did what any good parent would do...I banished her, and her equally wailing sister Katybird, to separate rooms and told them that if they didn't stop crying by the time I counted to 10, I was going to shut their door ALL THE WAY (that's akin to waterboarding in their book) and not open them again until morning (they haven't figured out the their doors lock from their side of the door so my threat does not really carry much weight). 

By morning, we had called a truce and by week's end, I was ready to pin a medal on the chest of every single mother I see.  I don't know how they do it without a tag team partner. 

We picked Husband up at the airport on Saturday where he proceeded to tell me, among his other stories, that he tried "dog" that week.  Yes, I guess in China, dog is an acceptable form of meat for human consumption.  Husband is not a huge fan of Chinese food to begin with and well, being in China, it means the real deal...not our sweetened, fried, MSG-laden version.  His host ordered dog and it was served cold.  I asked him if it tasted like chicken.  He made a face and let me know that it has a very distinct flavor, all its own.  One bite was enough to last a lifetime for him. 

Needless to say, he's glad to be back in the US of A despite being completely mixed up on his sleep schedule and being down for the count all day today with flu-like symptoms.  SIDENOTE:  there is nothing quite so pathetic as seeing a 6'5" strapping man wobbling around sicker than a...

[dare I say it?]

DOG!

RUT ROH RAGGY! 

I just HAD to go there, didn't I?

The Hounds of Cougarville Strike Again!

In a late breaking news development, a local Momzilla was alerted by concerned next door neighbor Melissa K that two black hounds were spotted gallivanting around the small suburban city of Cougarville (name changed to protect Momzilla location) mid-morning last Thursday.  The hounds appeared to have sly grins on their slobbery faces akin to Sylvester the Cat when he captures Tweety in his mouth.  Neighbor Melissa's dad also owns two black hounds but further investigation determined his hounds were safely at home. 

That key piece of evidence led local police, er, Momzilla, to realize that the two hounds in question were none other than Atticus (AKA Lumpy) - a notorious chew and slobber hound known to eat cell phones belonging to landscapers and to leap over two sets of minivan seats to secure an entire package of string cheese from Boy Wonder Wyatt's parents Denis and Jackie.  [NOTE: the string cheese was later recovered by Momzilla after much slipping and sliding on a wet lawn and prying impaled string cheese - still in package - loose from a set of slobbery canines...and I mean the teeth, not just the dog] and Sasha (AKA Spazzoid) - aider and abetter to the notorious chew and slobber hound with a deep affinity for flip flops, superballs, paintbrushes and bungee cords. 

Momzilla raced back to her little cabin in the big woods to find the two hounds had returned from the scene of their misdeeds and were proudly standing over the now-deceased body of a black cat.  Witnesses report the hounds were protectively guarding the cold, stiff body of the cat who appeared to be missing a vital piece of its hind parts.  Also in their possession was a deer head and one hoof. 

Boy Wonder Wyatt was called up from his basement abode to dispose of the victims.  Cheers and sounds of disgust could be heard from the two spastic Squirrels who reside with the Momzilla. 

Further investigation revealed that the batteries supplying power to the PetSafe Stubborn Dog Fence collars had ceased to be of use and were promptly replaced by Husband.  The two hounds have been remanded to custody and the smell of burnt dog hair indicates that the zapper collars are now in working order.  The hounds responded by howling, racing back to the porch, and respecting the invisible fence surrounding their two acre prison.  The hounds will be eligible for parole...well, never. 

YOU, TOO, can prevent crimes like this from happening in the future.  If you spot two black hounds heading for the Maine Ave Market (name changed to conceal Momzilla's location) or dragging dead cats along in their jaws, please call 1-800-MOMZILLA immediately.  Or just offer them some string cheese.  Or your flip flops.

For more merry misadventures of the Hounds of Cougarville, read here and here!