Jiggle Belly Sumo Run

Well, wet your pencil tips and lean in for the earth-shattering scoop, my loyal followers.  This Charter Member of the Exercise Haters Club has officially enrolled to run a 5k in the Jingle Bell Run in the local big town. 

I don't know if it is the impending 15 year class reunion that has me finally motivated, my "Wattle" picture, the fact that I nearly died by skirt asphyxiation, or the sad truth that I snuck into an Eddie Bauer store to find out if I could rock a skinny aviator pant and found out that either they have shrunken their pant sizes or I have gone up YET ANOTHER SIZE but whatever the case is/was...I am now running. 

Running is a more flattering term than what I am actually doing...which is slowly pounding along the highway, breathing like a heifer in labor, knees wrenching in pain, hearing going out in my left ear, iPod blaring loud enough to not hear myself breathing like a heifer, while my Buddha belly and bazerkers collide into each other like two over-eager sumo wrestlers.  It's not pretty.  Running was a lot more fun before I hit puberty.  Scratch that.  Running has never been fun but it was at least more tolerable before I had to haul a couple of sandbags along with me. 

I printed out a 9-week training schedule online and emailed my sister Renee - my resident superstar sister who not only runs but bikes and swims and triathlons and generally has always been in fantastic shape since forever even though she finally hit the big 4-0 this year.  Totally puts me to shame.  She said I could join her Trooper team and might even get to run with Big Local Christian Radio Personality. 

I borrow a phrase from my other triathlete sister Susan when I say I am a COMPLETER, not a COMPETER.  In fact, Eli went running with me yesterday and completely smoked me.  In my defense, she hasn't developed any "sandbags" yet.  And she's African-American, which I am pretty sure means she had an advantage at birth whereas my Germanic background meant I inherited genes to be able to drink beer and dance the clog at Oktoberfest. 

Even though my running is pathetic, I at least hope I've got the fitness fashion down...feeling very sleek in my UnderArmour and new running shoes that were custom selected after my feet and stride/gait were measured, scanned, analyzed, etc.  The running shoes have words like "Titanium" and ""Maui Blue" and "Lightning" on the shoebox...as if I were an Iron Woman Triathlete competing in Hawaii. 

I'll settle for making it through 3.2 miles in freezing weather wearing a Santa hat and hope I live to tell about it.  So far, four weeks into training, I have lost a grand total of...zero pounds.  With that kind of motivation, how can I not look forward to the Jingle Bell Run?  Or in my case, the Jiggle Belly Run?