The One-Armed Blue Bus Bandit

A rather familiar sight was beheld barreling down the interstate en route between the Cabin of the Squirrels and Iowa Hometown of Mama last week. Mama was seen navigating the blue minivan otherwise affectionately (and most likely, embarrassingly) known as "The Blue Bus".

What is this wonder, you ask? The Blue Bus is the irrefutable sign that the last shred of coolness has fled from Mama. She never thought she'd sink to this level but found herself exclaiming, "Oh, wireless headsets to the DVD player...and 12 cupholders...so we can have 12 times the number of bathroom stops. Sign me up!" While Husband got a welcome break to stay home (and indulge in some Final Four action) over Easter weekend, Mama bravely packed up the two squirrels - complete with pink polka dot suitcases, and headed to Iowa.

The squirrels seem to believe that Mama can both navigate the car and attend to all things they ask. I mean, why shouldn't I be able to change out the batteries in their Leapsters, put straws in their drinking cups, find the flip flop that fell on the floor, and figure out why the el crappo plastic watch that came in their kid's meal is still blinking "4 10" instead of the correct time. They seem to think the Blue Bus has an autopilot I can switch on, and then turn around and be at their beck and call.

I think my right arm has come loose from it's socket. I finally had to bellow that "Mama is off limits until we arrive at our destination!" to which they then asked every 30 minutes how many more hours it was. That's 16 hours of pure torture I don't plan to repeat without Husband's help again.

But alas, I am not the first One-Armed Blue Bandit Bus Driver. That title belongs to my papa...and an ode to the 1978 Blue Ford Econoline full-sized van that turned over more times than your distant relatives in their graves. This was from the era before seatbelts took all the excitement out of sudden stops. We fit 8 kids in that van and were mesmerized that it had a back "couch" that could turn into a "bed".

This was also before Leapsters, DVD players, and satellite radio. We thought we were IT when we got a tape player and could play Louis L'Amour tapes for all to hear. Mom also would pick up new Archie comics for vacation (which we had read before the van left the driveway). Dad would dutifully mount our luggage carrier (and all our "hardside" luggage) into the van. We always joked he could fit a queen bed in a music box. He would have made a killing working for UPS!

The treasured seats were the two middle buckets seats...which had close proximity to the air conditioning. The rest of us piled in back unless you wanted to try to sleep on the floor - which ultimately led to third degree burns on your stomach due to the heat from the engine (or whatever was underneath the car).

For fun, we'd play the "House" game where we'd pick out houses along the highway and assign them to different people in the car. Or, one time Mary and I made "Honk" sign and would hang it out the back window. If the car behind us would honk, we'd stick our hands out the back window and wave. I think we ingested too many exhaust fumes to think that was fun, but Dad never caught on to why everyone was honking at him.

We'd invariably stop and eat at Perkins (although we desperately wanted McDonald's) and would stay at a Holiday Inn. Not sure if the Priority Club was in operation then but my parent's would have reached Multi-Platinum level if it was. We'd all race into the hotel and turn on the one thing we always wanted at home - THE TELEVISION - while Dad would sigh and bring in load after load of suitcases.

I have many fond memories of family vacations...and most of the pictures Mom took have Dad's hairy arm resting on the steering wheel in the foreground. His hairy arm made it to the East Coast, Michigan, the West Coast at least three or four times, and various and sundry points in between.

The original Blue Bus died sometime while I was in high school. By then, the horn had the sound of a cow in labor, the buckets seats had been removed to accommodate Doug and Lisa's return to the Midwest from California, and the bed in back could no longer fold up into a couch. The cooler and cabinet had been removed, and the carpet was worn through in most places...even one spot where I could see the road whirring by underneath the van.

Give me a few years, and we'll be at that point again with Blue Bus #2.