Habakkuk Upchuck

The other week, our pastor asked Husband and me if we would share our journey from infertility to instant parenthood as an illustration of his message series on Habakkuk. To be honest, Habakkuk is not a book of the Bible I read often. Okay, I think I read it once very long ago and couldn't tell you what was in it but as I read the 2nd chapter, I found the verses Husband and I would expound on.

I formulated some thoughts in my head as we both prepared for the Sunday message. Husband was up there first and gave his very practical version of the story of us "trying" to start a family, our discovery of the medical reasons why it would be a MAJOR uphill battle, and how he figured God was in control and so he didn't sweat it too much.

I was going to say some things I learned through all this but somehow, returning to that period in my life (which I call "The Lost Years") in my mind about set me over the edge and when my turn came to talk, I dissolved into a fit of weeping and gnashing of teeth. It's a place I don't go to very often because the hell that is infertility is an emotional dross that only those of us who have endured can fully understand.

To add to the rawness of remembering, we found out that the girls' birth mom is pregnant. Again. By yet another man. She's still not married. She still puts her partying exploits on her MySpace page. All the feelings of "unfairness" swept over me again as I parent the children she has not been found fit to raise. Yet, God, in His infinite wisdom, allows her to carry yet another child in her womb. I have some hard questions for God when I see Him.

But this I know...

Out of every heartache, God creates a ministry opportunity. I can look in the eyes of other women who are walking the road of infertility and say, "I've been there". I know what it is like to have your intimate moments scheduled like clockwork, taking all spontenanity out of the event. I know what it is like to wait those two weeks wondering if maybe this time is THE time for everything to work. I know what it is like to try every old wives' tale "just in case" (yes, I have stood on my head).

I know what it is like to inject yourself and pop pills and open the most intimate parts of yourself up to doctors all the while praying with every ounce of your being that God will have mercy on you and bless you. And to find out every month that you still have to wait on God's vision.

This I also know...it is in the darkest moments of your life that your love for God is truly tested. It's easy to love Him when everything is wine and roses. But when you watch your visions and dreams disappear and your arms remain empty yet another Mother's Day...you have to decide whether you will love God for who He is no matter what happens.

I don't know if everything happens for a reason.
I don't know if I'll ever carry a child.
I don't know why God chose this trial for me.
I don't know why the evil prosper and the good suffer.

But this I know...

"Record the vision and inscribe it...that the one who reads it may run. For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay." Habakkuk 2:2-3

Link to the iTunes recording (our testimony runs from 10:00 until 18:30): http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?i=55555752&id=319453744