This is my faith story. My heartache story. The story of God's grace and being really tested whether or not, no matter what happens, I can still praise God and love Him for who He is.
This story began five years ago. I married a great man. We both loved the Lord and were excited about starting a family. We knew we wanted to wait until we had been married a least a year before "trying" because we imagined that we would have a houseful of rambunctious kids in no time. After all, he came from a family of seven kids. I came from a family of eight kids. It seemed like someone was always pregnant in one of our families so much so that we used to joke that different married couples only had to wash their underwear together in a load of laundry and whoops, they were expecting again.
So after a year, we eagerly began the fun of "trying". Nothing happened. Months passed. Still nothing. We read books, talked to our family doctor. Still nothing. Finally, in my heart of hearts, I just knew something was amiss. In fact, I had a premonition long before then. And it turned out, I was right. Our doctor confirmed that, due to medical complications, it would be extremely difficult for us to have biological children. At least, unless we wanted to try the various methods of in vitro fertilization or insemination.
My world turned gray that day...the greatest longing of my heart was for motherhood. I had been changing diapers and snuggling babies since I was in the third grade. Of all the prayers of my heart, how could God deny me this?
The more we researched IVF and other fertility methods, the more we felt we were not meant to go down that path. We did try a couple of medical procedures we knew did not have as great a chance of success but felt like plunking down $12,000 for a maybe and the moral dilemma of leftover embryos was not a direction we were willing to go.
Meanwhile, all around me, my dear friends were having their second and third child. Their conversation revolved around which child was getting potty trained and which child was starting school, or learning to walk, or had a love of lima beans. Every Mother's Day was a stab in the heart as mothers were praised and showered with gifts and the hole in my heart ached and ached and ached. Well meaning people said thoughtless things and God was teaching me grace...and forgiveness...and forbearance. There's a scene in the movie "Facing the Giants" where the coach's wife is talking to her husband about their infertility and desire for children and she says that she can picture her children running to her, opening up Christmas presents, etc...and she wonders how she can love someone so much that she has never met. I know exactly what she means.
Finally, in January, after many long talks late at night, my husband and I came to the conclusion that with all the hurting children in this world, we needed to step up and bring them into our home. We considered the different options - and chose foster care adoption partly because we felt a loyalty to this country that we love and partly because it was way more cost-effective than international. We wanted the kids that maybe not everybody else would consider. We were open to siblings, to a range of ages, and to any race. We didn't care if they were purple with pink polka dots. We just knew we had the capacity to love and a home that was far too empty and quiet.
So the long journey of adoption began. We felt the invasion of privacy and downright frustration at times when we were asked to divulge everything from a detailed listing of our finances to the utmost details of our intimate life. We filled out mounds of paperwork, attended 30 hours of training, took marriage assessments...and to think that no other pregnant mother would be going through such a grueling process to have their own child. We don't begrudge the foster care system for their diligence to make sure adoptive parents are qualified...it's just the irony of the whole matter.
Finally, on June 11th, we became licensed foster and adoptive parents. Then, on August 29th, we got the call that there were two little girls who are in need of an adoptive placement. On September 20th, we will welcome 4 and 6 year old half sisters. And then the real walk of faith begins. It's called Parenthood.
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